Archive for the Relationships Category

Seven reason’s Valentine’s Day makes my toenails itch

Posted in Relationships with tags , , , , , , on February 13, 2010 by klysha

I’m sitting in my condo for the second time in a row with my weekend plans foiled by the snow. This time it wasn’t the DC snow that foiled my plans though. It was snow in of all places HOTlanta! Were it not for Atlanta’s inability to deal efficiently with two inches of snow. I’d be in route to the big easy and the port city* for some pre-Mardi Gras/post Saint’s Super Bowl win partying followed by recovering over beignets at Cafe Du Monde tomorrow morning. So needless to say I’m not a happy camper this afternoon. Just thought I’d put that out there before I start my post so no one is confused about why I’m not writing like my normal cheery self.

Anyway my original plan was to pretend that the day they call a holiday that happens to fall tomorrow doesn’t exist while enjoying Mardi Gras madness. (what better way is there to be oblivious to the existence of something than over a hurricane or three?)  But since I’m a tad surly today and this year unlike last year I won’t be whizzing down a ski slope in Colorado, I’ll go ahead and write about the  reasons Valentine’s Day makes my toenails itch.  Just to be clear, this doesn’t come from a place of bitterness about being single.  I actually wrote about my feelings on Valentines day years ago on my blog before I had a blog…also known as my now essentially defunct Myspace page. Of course I was single at that time too, but I don’t really like Valentine’s day even when I’m in a relationship and here are a few reasons why.

The vomit pink and red color scheme makes me nauseous

..like seriously…it’s really hard for me to look at the card aisle this time of year

Valentine’s day can put a lot of pressure on the not quite defined barely a step above a regular booty call relationships I’ve tended to be in around this time of year if I’m in any kind of relationship at all.

Nothing more awkward than trying to navigate the vast grey area between the happy valentines day phone call/e-card/text message stage and the romantic get-away to Costa Rica stage. (*sidenote* the couple behind me in line at the airport as my Mardi Gras plans were being systematically destroyed had just had their Valentine’s vacation to Costa Rica that they had been planning for a year cancelled. God always has a way of  putting things in perspective for me when I need it *end sidenote*)

The bevy of whack find a mate singles events this holiday usually spawns.

Okay maybe I shouldn’t hate on these too much. I’m all for any efforts to bring folks together in this crazy world. I’d try to catch one myself if I didn’t think it would be filled with guys with that “look at me I’m a loser and you must be one too cuz you’re here so I’ve definitely got a shot” look in their eyes.

Those mystery boxes of chocolate with no labels

Valentine’s day is always plagued with an abundance of random chocolates that often give no warning about the kind of miscellaneous goo hiding under that tempting chocolate shell. Until I wrote that sentence I never realized how similar those mystery chocolates are to men.

 

 

The pressure V-Day puts on clearly defined relationships.

The pressure is often even higher for people in well defined relationships to do something special for their mate on Valentine’s day. Usually the brunt of this pressure is carried by the men but, thoughtful female that I sometimes try to be, I’ve on a few occasions put in effort on this holiday. I think I did this in some kind of masochistic quest to show that women can make men feel special on this day too. If I recall correctly my Valentine’s Day efforts somehow bit me in the rear, possibly thwarting  future attempts of this kind.

You can’t get a reservation in a decent restaurant because the love birds have taken them all

and even if you could who wants to have to sit through dinner watching love birds be lovey dovey  all night

Dealing with the aftermath  when cupid misfires

From what I’ve seen Cupid must have gotten his target practice while riding in a car full of gang bangers doing a drive by. And occasionally Cupids errant shots result in gifts from suitors that you’re not feeling in the same way they’re feeling you. On three occasions I have received flowers from guys I wasn’t feeling.  I wasn’t unappreciative of the  gifts I got from these guys. I actually enjoyed the flowers (even though I’m not much of a flowers kind of girl) once I got past the thank you very much for the gift but we can never be talk. But I could have just as easily done without the flowers to avoid the awkwardness.

Now I said Valentine’s day makes my toenails itch. I didn’t say I totally hate it. I just don’t think it’s been all that cool of a holiday since the days of  exchanging valentines with a sucker stuck to them in elementary school. Despite the itchy toenails I actually do think it’s probably a good idea to have a day on the calendar to remind people not to take the people they love for granted.  I just wish this day wasn’t coated in so much syrup or wrapped in that awful pink and red package. Id probably be cool with having some kind of anti-sap celebration with my SO if I had one.  And who knows maybe when I’m truly in love it’ll come with a dose of whatever it takes to be able to stomach all the syrup. In the mean time I guess I’m stuck with waiting for the pink and red storm to pass.

*the Port City is Mobile AL, home of the first American Mardi Gras and also the town I was raised in.

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How good is good?

Posted in Relationships with tags , , , , , , , on January 31, 2010 by klysha

I hate to be a topic biter, but they touched on a good one yesterday on another blog that I just recently started reading, A Belle In Brooklyn……. soooo chomp chomp. The topic was defining good. It stemmed from the question “Is a good black man still hard to find” then progressed into “how do you define a good black man” or a good man or heck a good person period. They used the examples of Tiger Woods and Matthew Knowles, both of whom are now known to have committed multiple indiscretions in their marriages, and tried to parse out whether their being bad husbands made them bad men.  While a few pointed out that it’s possible for a good person to make big mistakes and learn from them and become better, most commenters quickly decided that Knowles and Woods were not good men because of their actions.  One commenter really got people thinking, however,  when they replaced Tiger and Matthew with Martin Luther King.  Things get a little tougher to parse out when you throw another alleged adulterer, who also happens to be one  of the greatest black leaders in American history, into the mix. The topic really got me to thinking about exactly what good is to me,  how I should identify it in another person, and how I should apply it to myself.  Good seems like such a simple word but it’s surprisingly difficult to define especially when you try to apply the word  good to people.  Now that I think about it good is hard to define when you apply it to a slice of pizza too, as was evidenced by a conversation I had on that subject yesterday. I’m a fan of NY style while a friend of mine is a fan of deep dish and let’s not even go there with toppings and crust. Anyway back on topic…..

I could sit here and rattle off a list of positive, and sometimes equally difficult to define, traits that I think a good person should have (honesty, integrity, strength of character…blah, blah, blah…) but I’d probably accomplish little more than putting you to sleep before you got to the end of the list.  And after all that defining what happends if a person who possesses all of those characteristics 98.7% of the time slips up? Do they have to turn in their Good as Gold Club membership card? What if they slip up twice? Or what if they slip up in a REALLY big way? The only way I can think of, considering my lack of supernatural omnipotence, to determine whether a person is good is through observing their actions.  But does a bad action make an otherwise good person a bad person? And if one bad action doesn’t do it then how many does it take before a person goes from being good to being Earl Simmons ?

Isn’t it also true that there’s no such thing as a perfect and infallible person? If a bad action (or two or eleven) erases one’s classification as good then how could good people even exist? And how can other flawed people even judge whether another person is good? Trying to sort all of this out started to make my head throb just a little on the left side so I decided to stop thinking so hard. Then I remembered that I hadn’t had anything to drink and that dehydration causes headaches so I grabbed a bottled water and put my thinking cap back on. But I still can’t quite get this one sorted out.

I try really hard to be a good person. Actually let me stop lying cuz good people shouldn’t lie. I don’t try all that hard at it, but I hope that the vast majority of the the actions that I take naturally are such that I can maintain my status as a  card carrying member of the overall decent human being club.  And while what other people think of me is truly none of my business, I like to think that most people who have ever been a witness to my aura would agree with the assessment that I’m a good person.  But does my self assessment that I’m overall a good person qualify me to determine another person’s goodness.  And should a good person be trying to judge other people anyway?

After all this thinking I’m still as befuddled as I was when I started this post.  The best thing I can come up with is a touch of inane common sense advice, so file my next few sentences under things Captain Obvious would say.  Anyhoo

Solving all your dilemmas one trite remark at a time

 the best I have is try to be the best person you can be despite the fact that perfection is unatainable. And since we’ve established that perfection is unattainable maybe we should all have a little empathy for other people when they fall a little short of our expectations of perfection. 

Regarding the question that started the whole discussion on the blog I bit this topic from, I think that bit of captain obvious advice I gave can be applied in that search for a “good black man”.  I’m not saying compromise your standards…I kinda touched on that in a previous post….but it might be a good idea to evaluate whether you’re expecting a level of perfection that is unattainanable in that “good black man”. With all that being said, I kinda hate when other people give me whack advice like I just gave because my problem is usually exactly the opposite of setting my expectations too high. But it’s not always about me…not even on my own blog….

Maybe we do need another love song

Posted in Music, Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2010 by klysha

There’s been an inordinate amount of talk lately (including on this very blog) about the dismal marriage rates and future marriage outlook for black women as well as the related breakdown of the black family.  A number of theories have been proposed about why this is occurring that I won’t bother to rehash here. But one simple theory seems to have been overlooked. While I was in the shower with old school songs playing in the background, in the time it took me to shower, wash my hair, rinse and repeat,  I devised a theory that there may just be a direct correlation between the rate of marriage in the black community and the number of songs about love at the top of the R&B charts.  This might sound a little flaky, but hear me out. 

I believe that it’s been established that music can have a profound impact on the psyches of those who listen to it. Thus all the hubbub over the years about the impact that violence and objectification of women may be having on children and teenagers.  But all the focus on what is being pumped into teens heads has diverted attention away from what isn’t being drilled into their heads. 

I did a highly unscientific analysis of the songs that topped the charts over the decades. If I had the energy I’d collect a statistically valid data set and develop some more accurate illustrative graphs and charts. But in lieu of that kind of time and dedication I’ve developed the rough sketch of what I think the numbers would pan out like below.

 

 

 

The decline in the number of love songs made may only be one of many contributing factors into the undeniable decline in marriage in the black community, (other possible contributing factors include but are not limited to slavery, global warming, trans fats, reality television, high fructose corn syrup, and Karinne Steffans), but I think this is a trend that shouldn’t be ignored. Of course this data (and I’m using the word data kinda loosely here) begs the question as to whether the music is a cause of or an effect of the breakdown in the quality and quantity of committed relationships. Afterall it’s hard to write a song about deep romantic love if you’ve never seen or experienced it. Or perhaps society’s appetite for songs touting the virtues of love has declined thus the artists are no longer compelled to make the songs. Clearly I haven’t put that much thought into my theory yet.  But perhaps someone with more time and better access to the Billboard top 100 lists through the years should do a more accurate analysis to see if there may be something we’re missing here.

It would take up too much space to post the lyrics of a sampling of songs from the 1960s through 2010 but it would be obvious if I did that the lyrics of the songs from the 60s to today would show a steady decline in references to romantic love, commitment, or how to show love to another person and a steady increase in references to randomly hooking up, getting it in, and creeping.

One could infer that if you grew up in the sixties, by the time you were in your twenties you had been fed a healthy dose of  messages about the virtues of romantic love and having a one and only. So much so, that you were practically programmed to seek this out for yourself as soon as possible.  Whereas if you grew up in the 80s or nineties it’s likely that your idea of an adequate courtship is a meal at the Waffle House after the club.  

Clearly my informal study only scratches the surface. To get more accurate information I’d have to look at not only chart topping songs, but all songs in heavy rotation. And I’d have to listen to the lyrics and the message and devise some type of criteria for what constitutes a message about romantic love. That’s way to much work for a blog post. However, if some entity is willing to pay me to do the research and compose an in-depth analysis I’m more than willing to oblige. Ahem….Yeah so the homework from todays post is for everyone to think back about how many songs they remember from their respective formative years about being in love….This does NOT  include  songs about making love, knocking boots or any derivative thereof. I don’t think there’s any shortage of that happening today.

More on whack dating advice for black women

Posted in Relationships with tags , , , , , , , on January 8, 2010 by klysha

Guess who’s bizzack for the Twenty Tizzle…er Tenizzle…um…yeah let’s put incorporating extrazneous Z’s  in words ala Snoop Dogg on the list of things we should leave in the last decade.

Anyway back in 2009 I wrote a post about my feelings on all the talk that’s been going around lately (and by lately I mean for the past 3 or so decades) about the supposed marriagable black man shortage and the dismal outlook for black women who wish to marry a black man. Unfortunately this looks like an issue (whether real or imagined) that will carry over into this new decade as well.

In my post I made a promise to write a follow-up where I touched on the advice that people give us (black women) regarding this matter. (I actually wrote a post a little while back about rethinking the dating advice we’ve been given but today I’m touching on some different stuff). The specific advice I said I was gonna touch on were the #1 and #2 offenders in whack advice we single black women are constantly given. #1 being lower your standards/stop being so picky and #2 being date outside your race. This advice isn’t particularly whack just for whacknesses sake per se, but if this is the best you have to offer it’s pretty whack.

Let’s start with offender #1

Try lowering your standards/don’t be so picky

Okay so precisely which standard are they suggesting that we lower?

Income, height, looks, maturity, spirituality, education, presence of chemistry, presence of teeth, general hygiene?

*disclaimer - I'm sure this guy would make a great husband for someone

I suppose the characteristics that are important in a mate vary from person to person. I can only speak for myself, and I don’t have a list of specific predefined bars that a guy has to meet in order for me to date him, I just want to feel compatible with him and be attracted to him. I’d also like him to have the personality traits that are conducive to a healthy happy relationship/partnership but that should go without saying. I look for people who I can relate to and who are most likely able to relate to me. For example, because I value education I tend not to date guys who didn’t value getting an education.  If I date a guy who’s vocabulary doesn’t go past 8th grade level we’re probably gonna have fights every time I use a word with three syllables or more because  he’s gonna say I’m “getting smart” with him again. I don’t need that kind of drama. 

No one can tell another person who they’ll be happy being with.  None of the people advising bougie Bonita to give broke-a$$ Benny a chance is gonna be there to help when they get into a fight because Bonita wants to go to the South of France for vacation and Benny is only willing venture as far as his cousin-nems crib in Jersey where they can drive over to Atlantic city for a day on the nickle slots.  

 It’s just a matter of figuring out what’s really important to you and no one else can decide that for you. I could go on about this advice….but I just got bored with that topic…so

on to #2:

Date Outside Your Race

 

I just love this little tidbit of advice. They make it sound like it’s just as easy as pie for a black woman to find a like minded white (or other man) who is cool with bringing a woman with a pressing comb home to mama. I for one haven’t been turning down an onslaught of advances from white or other non-black men. (Well okay there were a few, but most of them were guys I wouldn’t date regardless of race. i.e. the older drunk white dude at the black club because he can’t get enough of the sisters, and the Wegro dude who I kept running into wearing the FUBU sweatsuits who would holler at me everytime he saw me with no recollection that he had tried to holler several times before).

For one thing,  in order to date non-black guys I have to place myself among them in a setting that would encourage personal information exchange. Due to my taste in entertainment I don’t often find myself in these types of settings. On the rare occasion that I do find myself in a bar or other local spot frequented by people of other races I’m usually very close to invisible to most of the guys there. Granted I have had some white guys make small talk with me at the bar on occasion but that rarely (by rarely I mean never) goes beyond small talk. I’ve never had one of these guys actually request my number or offer theirs. But this is okay because I’ve never encountered one of these guys who I felt the kind of vibe with that would make we want future interaction either.

Which brings me back to my first point. I like to date guys I feel compatible with. If I found a guy of another race who I truly felt compatible with I’d have no problem dating him.

Okay I’m kinda lying about having NO problem dating them. Dating them generally comes with a bevy of problems that I just wouldn’t have if I dated someone black (and lord knows dating has enough problems on its own), but if the feelings were strong enough I would be willing to overlook those problems.  What problems you might ask?

Well here are a few problems that I have heard quoted by other black sistas and a few of my own with dating a white  guy (i’m focusing on white guys since dealing with all of  the others would be a very long and complex post that I would have very little basis for since I’m not nearly as familiar with all the different “other’s” culture)

1. You always have the question in the back of your mind “Is he dating me because he has some kind of jungle booty fantasy or is he really interested in me as a person?” (Okay I’ll admit that this is a somewhat irrational fear for me since there isn’t much that’s jungle about my booty, But I like to dream that I’m just a few turkey sandwiches away from growing a coveted jungle booty)

2. Dancing…granted a lot of black guys can’t muster up more than a two-step but at least most black guys can two step on beat…..most white guys not so much

3. Thin lips

4. Having to explain cultural references. Just by living in America we all get a fair amount of exposure to white culture.  But black culture is mostly portrayed through stereotypical images and from the perspective of the token black person in film and television. The explaining of cultural references could still go both ways, of course, because even though I live in America and observe peculiar white behavior on a regular basis, I still can’t seem to wrap my head around the desire to participate in extreme sports or to climb mountains in the snow.  

 5. Mushy hands (seriously why are so many white guys hands so mushy???)

6.  Maybe it’s just me but I have a slight fear that by dating a white guy Id be somehow betraying my great great great great grandmother who was likely raped by a white slavemaster at some point resulting in my lightish skin color. Then again my lightish skin color could be due to the rest of  my blacaucinativeamerican heritage. Who knows but the fear would still be in my mind.

7. pink p*nises

These are just a few of the potential issues we could face as a couple, but the fact still remains that just getting to this coupledom with a white guy is probably even more complicated than actually getting to coupledom period for a black woman (heck any woman) in DC.

I could add a third bit of whack advice to this list. It was a tidbit dropped by America’s favorite (twice divorced) relationship “expert” Steve Harvey. He suggested that black women date older men.  So let me get this straight……because black men are determined not to abandon the sowing of their wild oats until they are officially the old cat in the club, black women have to resort to dating your grey haired cat daddy friends to have a chance at reproduction within the bounds of marriage before our eggs dry up.  No thank you very much.  Some women might like dating older men, but I for one prefer dating guys within a few years of my own age. Up to a ten year age gap  I might consider (although 5-10 years older is REALLY pushing it for me) but anything more than that and I’m brushing up on dating my dad’s peers and that’s just gross.  I could add that bit of advice to my list but somehow adding it feels like validating advice from Steve Harvey and the progressive woman inside of me just can’t do that in good conscious.

What all of these bits of advice imply for black women is that marrying one of your peers is a long shot at best.  They’re trying to tell us that our only hope if we actually want to get married is dating someone in a different socioeconomic bracket, age bracket, or race.  I for one have much much love for black men and refuse to give up on them quite that easily. I only want one (and I want the one that finds me to think I’m as awesome and I hope to think he is) and I’m not in much of a rush (I have an oat or two left to sow too).  So while I’m open to expanding my horizons, I refuse to do it out of the sense of panic that the media is creating for some of us.

Yes I’m still single…now mind your business

Posted in Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 25, 2009 by klysha

There’s one topic that I haven’t talked about directly yet partly because it just  hits way too close to home and partly because the horse has been beaten to within an inch of his life already.  But since the topic eventually comes up at every gathering of 3 or more single black females, it can’t be avoided forever so I may as well get it all off my chest.

In the past week and a half I’ve read the following:

ABC news just did a story that featured a group of attractive successful black women who were offering their take why there are so many black women who want to be married but can’t find a mate. It was a pretty insightful piece save for some possibly faulty statistics (by the way almost all statistics are faulty) and the appearance of Steve Harvey adding his misogynistic old man wisdom to the dialogue. (Incidentally one of the girls featured in the piece was FAMU alumni….shouts out my Rattlers!)

About a week and a half ago I read an article in the Washington post about a young lady who is writing a book called “Bitch is the New Black” that tackles the woes successful black women have finding mates. The story has already been picked up and is supposed to be made into a movie. I’m not thrilled about the title,  but I’m excited to see how her version of the story is told (I’m also secretly hating on her for beating me to the punch).

One of my favorite bloganistas wrote a very good piece on her reflections on the young lady mentioned above’s story as well as her take on the topic.

All this reading and talking about the dismal relationship outlook for black women is  enough to make a girl want to give up dating and take up a more fulfilling pastime with more satisfying rewards….like self electrocution. But strong and determined black women that we are, we press on and keep the faith that despite the odds our prince will find his way to us one day.

After reading all this stuff I felt like I had very little to add to the dialogue. It’s not like every black woman I know isn’t fully aware that finding a black man to date who isn’t incarcerated, unemployed, gay, or who has at least 75% of his teeth is about as common as actually winning more than $1 on a lottery scratch off..and getting a black man possessing at least three of these characteristics to give up the luxury of having many options and actually commit to you exclusively is about as common as winning the megamillions. Er…Perhaps this is a bad analogy because it plays into the black man as a coveted prize stereotype too closely…at any rate…what more can I say??.

I doubt my experiences  as a single black woman are all that different from those of just about every other beautiful successful fabulous black woman I know. But I’ll share a few anyway.

I’ve been asked countless times why I’m still single. This seemingly innocuous question is probably one of the most irritating because how do you really answer that after you’ve gotten tired of the standard “Because I haven’t met the right person yet”???

Just for giggles I think I’ll reply with a completely straight face, “Obviously I’m fundamentally flawed as a person”  the next time someone asks me that then sit back and enjoy the uncomfortable response that’s sure to follow.

The prying and inappropriateness doesn’t stop with innocuous questions like that of course.  I’ve actually had an older Greek woman who I work with ask me why I’m not married, then go on to tell me that I must make finding a husband my priority. Gee thanks for the life advice…I’ll try to remember to pick one up at the supermarket on my way home.

I’ve had my supervisor…who isn’t known for his tact… make statements in meetings in reference to my tendency to overexplain things such as “see that’s why you’ll always be single.” Thanks for speaking those positive affirmations into my life chief.  Now I feel obligated to get married just to prove you wrong.

Even my mom asked me recently whether I planned to get married. She then went on to ask why I nor my friends seemed to be making any steps toward getting married. This is somewhat out of character for my mother, but I suppose that she saw what time it was on my biological clock too*. Yes mom I know the window for bringing you some grandkids is getting smaller every day. But can you not remind me of that for another 20 twenty minutes please…I’d like to enjoy my cup of cocoa without calculating the shelf life of my eggs today.

My favorite is when my married male friends offer their wisdom by suggesting that I must be too picky. Perhaps I am. But I think at least a minimum amount of selectiveness should be excused even if you’re only looking at someone’s potential to spend the rest of your life with**.

At any rate, I jumped off the “pressed to find a husband bandwagon” a long time ago, like probably around birth since I don’t ever recall being a member of this camp, but I’d like to marry one day and have a kid without the aid of a sperm bank. However, I also enjoy my life as a single woman. And despite the numerous attempts by society to make me feel otherwise, I don’t feel inadequate without Mrs. attached to my name. And while I appreciate the concern, I’d actually appreciate a little less advice,  a lot fewer questions, and maybe a smidge less social pressure while I try to enjoy dating, wait on God’s timing,  eat Hagen Da’az and cry myself to sleep.

*Other possible explainations for my mom’s inquiry include: 1. suspicions that I’m gay and I’m just hanging out with a gang of lesbians who have sworn off men for life and 2. just making friendly mother daughter conversation. By the way, mom, if you ever happen to stumble across my blog I’m just playing. I don’t mind you inquiring about my social life at all.
** I might write a follow up piece that touches on this topic in the near future. Maybe in my follow up piece I’ll touch on interracial dating since the second most popular advice after don’t be so picky is try dating other races. That topic is ripe with controversy and I love controversy.

If you haven’t had enough, this sister wrote another really good blog on the topic. She advises us not to feed into the panic situation that’s played up by the media. I already talked about my feelings about media hype when I talked about the swine flu.

Tiger Gate…the gift that keeps on giving

Posted in Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2009 by klysha

I thought I had  waited too long to write a relevant and timely piece on Tiger Gate…but this appears to be the non-news story that keeps on giving. I had actually started writing a piece on my thoughts about Tiger’s transgressions last week, but I allowed the distraction of Christmas shopping and painting my toenails to keep me from posting it. But oh thank you Tiger for giving me so much more to work with over the course of those distracted days.

First let me make it clear that spreading celebrity rumors and thriving off celebrity drama are not my things …and this blog is NOT TMZ. I do however believe in finding the lesson in every situation. I think the reason God put celebrity drama on this earth was to provide the masses with life lessons and easy relatable references as reminders when faced with similar situations. Celebrity drama also opens up the doors for dialogue on touchy subjects that need to be talked about. (See Chris Brown and Rihanna)

So today I present 5 lessons that can be learned from the Eldrick “Tiger” Woods situation.

1. Never underestimate (or perhaps overestimate would be more applicable) the lame/corny/nerdy guy.

I think the only reason the Tiger story won’t go away…other than people’s undying thirst for watching people go down in flames…. is the fact that most people didn’t think Tiger had it in him to be such a man whore. By the accounts of most women I know Tiger looks kinda lame and doesn’t appear to have enough swagger to just be  pulling chicks at will. But then most women I know are black so my reference pool may be a little skewed.  I mean yeah he is a billionaire athlete, so cheating isn’t a huge surprise, neither is his affinity for white women. But Tiger’s h*e train just keeps on chugging.  His tally was up to like fittyleven last time I checked the score. I think a lot of people had Tiger on some kind of pedestal of wholesomeness because of the public image he portrays, so when the possibility that wholesome Tiger was getting it in initially came to light it got people’s attention. Little did we know that Tiger was not only getting it in, he was getting it in with as many girls as he could fit in, and sometimes getting it in sans latex shielding.  Tiger, as lame as he might have appeared to some women, just might be an insatiable freak (another possible explaination for his affinity for white women).  I’m willing to bet that a lot of guys who on first glance appear to be corny or wholesome joes have some serious behind the scenes freak in them.  Tiger proves that you definitely can’t judge a book by it’s cover.

Of course that whole being a billionaire thing just might trump all apparent lameness…and to the chicks he was pulling he just might not have been lame.

2. Lesson to black male athletes. Messing with white chicks does not shield you from drama.

This lesson should have been learned from the whole Steve McNair incident. But apparently the draw of loose white women on black athletes is so strong that even the risk of murder isn’t enough to break the spell. Perhaps 2009 is the year for breaking rich black mens long standing addiction to white women  and destroying white womens image as docile pushovers one incident at a time.

There was a little known rap tune back in the early 90s by a rapper named Kilo that had the lyric “There’s a white girl in town…name is Cocaine…get inside your brain…play you like a lame”

I always thought the white girl in the song was a metaphor for cocaine…but these incident make me think that perhaps the metaphor goes both ways….hmmm something to think about

3. The same people who will put you on a pedestal with try their best to tear you down off of it.

Please believe that when people put you on a pedestal it’s only a matter of time before someone comes along to try pull you down off it. And the coming down part is usually much faster than the putting up process.  So a good practice would be to not do stuff that makes the pulling down process easy.  Tiger managed to keep his position on a pedestal for a pretty long time but all the while he was out there planting the seeds that put the mallots in the people’s hands to help tear him down.  My guess is that he got pretty full of himself up there on that pedestal and perhaps thought that he really was invincible…so much so that he got sloppy with his wrongdoing…leaving voice messages with his name on them and whatnot.  One things for sure…having a fierce golf game does not ensure game in other areas of your life.

Invincibe? I think not

4. If you’re gonna do wrong choose your partners in crime carefully.

I don’t condone one iota of Tigers manwhoring or anyone else’s wrongdoing. But if doing wrong is what you choose to do then at least know that doing dirt with someone who has nothing to lose, but everything to gain from your downfall is never a good idea.  Tiger was messing with waitresses and porn stars, women who had nothing at all to lose by sleeping with Tiger Woods, and who could only really benefit from the experience by either  making their actions public or at least threatening to.  I doubt that any of these women had aspirations of replacing the wifey, but you best believe that somewhere in their thought processes were some dollar signs. Tiger did you really think these women were getting with you because you’re just cool like that?

5. Cheating is never really worth it.

The most important lesson out of this whole fiasco is, while it might feel oh so right at the time…..maybe every single time….the bottom line is cheating is never worth the potential consequences once the feces hits the fan. And it always eventually hits the fan.  Now rumor has it that Tiger is talking about paying his wife 80 million to stay with him for 7 years (if so why seven years? that could be another blog post entirely). Not to mention the potential diseases he could have exposed himself, his wife and children to. And don’t let it come out that one (or more) of his skankubines is pregnant.  Tiger is really lucky that Elin’s weapon of choice was a golf club.

(Maybe a if I was getting paid to write this a 6th lesson here could have been about how  “What’s done in the dark always finds a way to come to the light”…but I don’t feel like writing another item and I like the number 5 better. Plus I got real work to do now.)

Rethinking all the dating advice

Posted in Relationships with tags , , on July 29, 2009 by klysha

I’m no dating expert. I have very little experience at it and I only enjoy it about half the time. However since dating is apparently a prerequisite to not becoming a cat lady (which would be really unfortunate since I don’t like cats) I occasionally partake in the ritual. But I, like so many of my black female counterparts, don’t go on enough dates to constitute an active dating life so I’m not really writing this post from personal experience. Despite the lack of an experiential foundation, perhaps something in this post can serve as a public service to my fellow date-starved females. 

 

They love to tease us with covers like this even though they know good and well that the statistical probability of 3 or more eligible attractive black men being in the same space is less than 0.069

They love to tease us with covers like this even though they know good and well that the statistical probability of 3 or more eligible attractive black men being in the same space is less than 0.069

Essence magazine, Soledad O’Brien and I have noticed that black women marry at an abysmally low rate. I can’t help but think that other than the fact that marriage worthy black men are as rare as unicorns and Chevettes that still run,  this low marriage rate could be due in part to bad dating advice that black women are perpetually given by well intentioned friends, family members, magazines, and televangelists. So I’m suggesting that black women take a moment to collectively rethink all of the dating advice we’ve been given. Perhaps it will give us a shot at not ending up in the 60% of black women who will never marry statistic, or at the very least it might help us to not end up on the couch watching the Sex in the City box set alone on a Saturday night (not that that doesn’t sound like a pretty awesome evening to me).

So here we go…….. dating advice we might want to rethink:

You can’t meet Mr. Right in the club

Maybe you can’t maybe  you can. Who am I to say…who is anybody to say….Just because you’re in the club doesn’t mean you’re a strumpet and just because that cute guy in the wire framed specs is in a club it doesn’t mean he’s a giggalo. Perfectly nice people go to the club. And if a nice girl, like I’m sure you are, is in a club, who’s to say that your Mr. Right isn’t right there with you geeked because the DJ just put on “Brass Monkey” just like you are. Now I’m not advising women to go to the club with the intention of finding Mr. Right. But if you like going to the club, go to the club and don’t be afraid to do the Pee Wee Herman in the middle of the dance floor.  And if a nice guy happens to come over and tell your your Humpty Dance is like none he’s ever seen don’t just dismiss him because of where you met him. Lord knows black women can’t afford to just be dismissing people on random criteria like that.

 Online dating is just for losers and psychopaths

I have no experience with this, but I strongly believe that in about 5-10 years, once the stigma has finally worn off, bigstockphoto_Cyber_Love_27064online dating will be the primary mechanism for people to meet each other. Peoples lives are busy, and not everybody likes clubs, or has a lot of friends to set them up on blind dates or sees cute guys squeezing produce in the grocery store 1.  I think online dating has already caught on pretty well in the white community, but as soon as you mention online dating to most black women you get an immediate “Oh h*ll no!” Most of the reasons for their immediate dismissal make very little sense to me. For example I’ve been told “you don’t know what you’re getting when you meet someone online.” Hello, like you know what you’re getting when a guy introduces himself to you at the gas pump or even when a friend sets you up with someone. Okay so maybe a friend might be able to give an endorsement but, people can lie about their identity regardless of the medium they meet you in. Now I can’t promise you that the current crop of men on dating sites are not serial killers, husbands looking for someone to cheat with, or just super lame. For one thing hot eligible black men are in so much demand that most don’t really have to turn to dating sites unless they live in East Bucktussle or they have no game. But as the Internet continues to take over our lives and people start to spend a higher percentage of their life online it’s only natural that our dating habits will gradually shift to match our lifestyle. So go ahead and give online dating a shot. Once you sign up that’s one more non-lame person on the site.

Don’t go looking for a man…you need to wait on Mr. Right to find you

This isn’t entirely bad advice. But a lot of women have taken this advice to mean that they don’t have to get out there to meet people. Mr. Right is not going to just show up at  your door unless you’re looking to date the pizza guy. Get out of the house! Go to concerts and parties. Get a hobby like stripping. Even if the hobby is female centered you might make new friends which could result in invitations to go to parties and events in a different circle, which could mean NEW men to meet. And while you’re going to these events it wouldn’t hurt anybody if you flashed some cleavage turned up the sex appeal a notch, in an ultra classy way of course. Men are visual creatures. So keep the hair tight and carry some lip gloss. (I’m not one to advocate going overboard to meet guys…and I’m guilty of  letting the tresses go astray from time to time…but I’m also single so consider the source)

Don’t give it up on the first date

I’m just playing. It’s still probably not a good idea to give it up too soon. I’ll leave giving arbitrary guidelines on what point between initial eye contact and the honeymoon is the dividing line between Jezebel and wifey to Steve Harvey.

These are just some of the tips I’ve heard recently but I’m sure there’s much more bad dating advice swarming around in the cosmos keeping black women single all over America. And I’m sure I’ve been a victim of some of it myself. But you don’t have to take my advice either. If I had a clue about dating I’d probably be out somewhere now instead of in here typing a blog. But it definitely can’t hurt to adjust your approach if the way you’ve been doing things isn’t working. A wise 2 person once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So let’s stop the insanity ladies!

1 seriously do black guys grocery shop???? I NEVER see cute black guys in the grocery store. This could be due in part to the demographics of my neighborhood. But even when I shop in other areas I rarely see a cute guy grocery shopping.

2  Since I have no idea who said that I have no idea whether this person was actually wise but for the sake of this post let’s assume the person who originated that quote isn’t an idiot