Archive for December, 2009

Yes I’m still single…now mind your business

Posted in Relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 25, 2009 by klysha

There’s one topic that I haven’t talked about directly yet partly because it just  hits way too close to home and partly because the horse has been beaten to within an inch of his life already.  But since the topic eventually comes up at every gathering of 3 or more single black females, it can’t be avoided forever so I may as well get it all off my chest.

In the past week and a half I’ve read the following:

ABC news just did a story that featured a group of attractive successful black women who were offering their take why there are so many black women who want to be married but can’t find a mate. It was a pretty insightful piece save for some possibly faulty statistics (by the way almost all statistics are faulty) and the appearance of Steve Harvey adding his misogynistic old man wisdom to the dialogue. (Incidentally one of the girls featured in the piece was FAMU alumni….shouts out my Rattlers!)

About a week and a half ago I read an article in the Washington post about a young lady who is writing a book called “Bitch is the New Black” that tackles the woes successful black women have finding mates. The story has already been picked up and is supposed to be made into a movie. I’m not thrilled about the title,  but I’m excited to see how her version of the story is told (I’m also secretly hating on her for beating me to the punch).

One of my favorite bloganistas wrote a very good piece on her reflections on the young lady mentioned above’s story as well as her take on the topic.

All this reading and talking about the dismal relationship outlook for black women is  enough to make a girl want to give up dating and take up a more fulfilling pastime with more satisfying rewards….like self electrocution. But strong and determined black women that we are, we press on and keep the faith that despite the odds our prince will find his way to us one day.

After reading all this stuff I felt like I had very little to add to the dialogue. It’s not like every black woman I know isn’t fully aware that finding a black man to date who isn’t incarcerated, unemployed, gay, or who has at least 75% of his teeth is about as common as actually winning more than $1 on a lottery scratch off..and getting a black man possessing at least three of these characteristics to give up the luxury of having many options and actually commit to you exclusively is about as common as winning the megamillions. Er…Perhaps this is a bad analogy because it plays into the black man as a coveted prize stereotype too closely…at any rate…what more can I say??.

I doubt my experiences  as a single black woman are all that different from those of just about every other beautiful successful fabulous black woman I know. But I’ll share a few anyway.

I’ve been asked countless times why I’m still single. This seemingly innocuous question is probably one of the most irritating because how do you really answer that after you’ve gotten tired of the standard “Because I haven’t met the right person yet”???

Just for giggles I think I’ll reply with a completely straight face, “Obviously I’m fundamentally flawed as a person”  the next time someone asks me that then sit back and enjoy the uncomfortable response that’s sure to follow.

The prying and inappropriateness doesn’t stop with innocuous questions like that of course.  I’ve actually had an older Greek woman who I work with ask me why I’m not married, then go on to tell me that I must make finding a husband my priority. Gee thanks for the life advice…I’ll try to remember to pick one up at the supermarket on my way home.

I’ve had my supervisor…who isn’t known for his tact… make statements in meetings in reference to my tendency to overexplain things such as “see that’s why you’ll always be single.” Thanks for speaking those positive affirmations into my life chief.  Now I feel obligated to get married just to prove you wrong.

Even my mom asked me recently whether I planned to get married. She then went on to ask why I nor my friends seemed to be making any steps toward getting married. This is somewhat out of character for my mother, but I suppose that she saw what time it was on my biological clock too*. Yes mom I know the window for bringing you some grandkids is getting smaller every day. But can you not remind me of that for another 20 twenty minutes please…I’d like to enjoy my cup of cocoa without calculating the shelf life of my eggs today.

My favorite is when my married male friends offer their wisdom by suggesting that I must be too picky. Perhaps I am. But I think at least a minimum amount of selectiveness should be excused even if you’re only looking at someone’s potential to spend the rest of your life with**.

At any rate, I jumped off the “pressed to find a husband bandwagon” a long time ago, like probably around birth since I don’t ever recall being a member of this camp, but I’d like to marry one day and have a kid without the aid of a sperm bank. However, I also enjoy my life as a single woman. And despite the numerous attempts by society to make me feel otherwise, I don’t feel inadequate without Mrs. attached to my name. And while I appreciate the concern, I’d actually appreciate a little less advice,  a lot fewer questions, and maybe a smidge less social pressure while I try to enjoy dating, wait on God’s timing,  eat Hagen Da’az and cry myself to sleep.

*Other possible explainations for my mom’s inquiry include: 1. suspicions that I’m gay and I’m just hanging out with a gang of lesbians who have sworn off men for life and 2. just making friendly mother daughter conversation. By the way, mom, if you ever happen to stumble across my blog I’m just playing. I don’t mind you inquiring about my social life at all.
** I might write a follow up piece that touches on this topic in the near future. Maybe in my follow up piece I’ll touch on interracial dating since the second most popular advice after don’t be so picky is try dating other races. That topic is ripe with controversy and I love controversy.

If you haven’t had enough, this sister wrote another really good blog on the topic. She advises us not to feed into the panic situation that’s played up by the media. I already talked about my feelings about media hype when I talked about the swine flu.

Unforgetable Christmas gifts and other folly from a snowed in southern girl

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2009 by klysha

Nothing like a foot and a half of snow and counting to both put me in the Christmas spirit  and leave me in the house bored long enough to write a post about it. The sad thing about Christmas these days is the first thing that usually comes to peoples minds when they hear the word Christmas is shopping (or maybe that’s me…as a self-proclaimed  shopaholic the first thing that comes to my mind when you say just about anything is shopping…but I digress). Regardless of what your religious beliefs happen to be Christmas should still be more about giving love and cherishing the people who mean the most to you. My family has decided to forego off the gift exchanging this year and replaced it with spending quality time together at a cabin in the mountains. I for one can’t wait. I can barely remember the Christmas gifts*  I’ve gotten for the past several years but I’ll never forget the fun times I’ve had with my folks. 

Anyway now that I’ve gotten all that falala***  out of the way I’ll get to the point of this post. Today I thought I’d share some gift ideas for those of you who have not foregone the gift exchange, that you can give if you don’t want your gift to be forgotten! I scoured the web and some of my Twitter followers Twitpics to find these so you don’t have to.  

Shave your own baby doll

 

1. The Shave Your Own Baby Doll! I’m really not sure what the point of this is but I guarantee this gift would not be forgotten. I’m just really hoping that the hair on this gift is replacable or the fun will be over pretty quickly. Then again maybe the fun should be short lived with this gift…

Cuddling Arm Pillow

 

2. No one ever had an answer when the Emotions asked “What do the lonely do at Christmas?” Well here’s the answer! A cuddling arm pillow**. Trust me I have lots of experience with this scenario…and that happens to be one of my favorite Christmas songs.

Nothing says class like words on your %$$

 

3. Okay so maybe you know the relationship is going south. Nothing will say forget me not louder than a pair of undies from Say it With Thongs with exactly what you think about your mate printed right above their unmentionables.  In case you can’t see the words, this particular pair reads “Gold Digger.” Hey I never said all these gifts would get you remembered as a romeo.

* Perhaps the reason I barely remember these gifts is I’ve barely gotten any in years…. Santa…seriously we need to talk…I’ve been really really good

** Don’t sleep. I’m seriously considering ordering one of these for myself since I’m likely the only one who’ll be purchasing gifts for me LOL.

***Seriously I’m just joking about any implied saltiness about my lack of gifts..I appreciate all the gifts and love I’ve received over the years…and all I really want for Christmas is to spend time with my family and for everyone to be safe and happy this year

And in other snowed in news…why did I read on Twitter that a DC cop pulled a gun at a snowball fight….huh?

for real dude a gun to a snowball fight?

And if you drive a Mini Cooper and decide to venture out in the worst snow snorm in DC in almost a decade…I won’t say you deserve to get stranded…..but…..

mistaking a Mini Cooper for a Hummer = fail

Anyway if you haven’t guessed from the contents of this post…yes I’m bored.  I promise I’ll bring something thoughtful and inciteful next time….in the meantime I’m bout to go shuck some corn**** then make some hot cocoa.

****yes I’m bout to actually shuck corn

Tiger Gate…the gift that keeps on giving

Posted in Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2009 by klysha

I thought I had  waited too long to write a relevant and timely piece on Tiger Gate…but this appears to be the non-news story that keeps on giving. I had actually started writing a piece on my thoughts about Tiger’s transgressions last week, but I allowed the distraction of Christmas shopping and painting my toenails to keep me from posting it. But oh thank you Tiger for giving me so much more to work with over the course of those distracted days.

First let me make it clear that spreading celebrity rumors and thriving off celebrity drama are not my things …and this blog is NOT TMZ. I do however believe in finding the lesson in every situation. I think the reason God put celebrity drama on this earth was to provide the masses with life lessons and easy relatable references as reminders when faced with similar situations. Celebrity drama also opens up the doors for dialogue on touchy subjects that need to be talked about. (See Chris Brown and Rihanna)

So today I present 5 lessons that can be learned from the Eldrick “Tiger” Woods situation.

1. Never underestimate (or perhaps overestimate would be more applicable) the lame/corny/nerdy guy.

I think the only reason the Tiger story won’t go away…other than people’s undying thirst for watching people go down in flames…. is the fact that most people didn’t think Tiger had it in him to be such a man whore. By the accounts of most women I know Tiger looks kinda lame and doesn’t appear to have enough swagger to just be  pulling chicks at will. But then most women I know are black so my reference pool may be a little skewed.  I mean yeah he is a billionaire athlete, so cheating isn’t a huge surprise, neither is his affinity for white women. But Tiger’s h*e train just keeps on chugging.  His tally was up to like fittyleven last time I checked the score. I think a lot of people had Tiger on some kind of pedestal of wholesomeness because of the public image he portrays, so when the possibility that wholesome Tiger was getting it in initially came to light it got people’s attention. Little did we know that Tiger was not only getting it in, he was getting it in with as many girls as he could fit in, and sometimes getting it in sans latex shielding.  Tiger, as lame as he might have appeared to some women, just might be an insatiable freak (another possible explaination for his affinity for white women).  I’m willing to bet that a lot of guys who on first glance appear to be corny or wholesome joes have some serious behind the scenes freak in them.  Tiger proves that you definitely can’t judge a book by it’s cover.

Of course that whole being a billionaire thing just might trump all apparent lameness…and to the chicks he was pulling he just might not have been lame.

2. Lesson to black male athletes. Messing with white chicks does not shield you from drama.

This lesson should have been learned from the whole Steve McNair incident. But apparently the draw of loose white women on black athletes is so strong that even the risk of murder isn’t enough to break the spell. Perhaps 2009 is the year for breaking rich black mens long standing addiction to white women  and destroying white womens image as docile pushovers one incident at a time.

There was a little known rap tune back in the early 90s by a rapper named Kilo that had the lyric “There’s a white girl in town…name is Cocaine…get inside your brain…play you like a lame”

I always thought the white girl in the song was a metaphor for cocaine…but these incident make me think that perhaps the metaphor goes both ways….hmmm something to think about

3. The same people who will put you on a pedestal with try their best to tear you down off of it.

Please believe that when people put you on a pedestal it’s only a matter of time before someone comes along to try pull you down off it. And the coming down part is usually much faster than the putting up process.  So a good practice would be to not do stuff that makes the pulling down process easy.  Tiger managed to keep his position on a pedestal for a pretty long time but all the while he was out there planting the seeds that put the mallots in the people’s hands to help tear him down.  My guess is that he got pretty full of himself up there on that pedestal and perhaps thought that he really was invincible…so much so that he got sloppy with his wrongdoing…leaving voice messages with his name on them and whatnot.  One things for sure…having a fierce golf game does not ensure game in other areas of your life.

Invincibe? I think not

4. If you’re gonna do wrong choose your partners in crime carefully.

I don’t condone one iota of Tigers manwhoring or anyone else’s wrongdoing. But if doing wrong is what you choose to do then at least know that doing dirt with someone who has nothing to lose, but everything to gain from your downfall is never a good idea.  Tiger was messing with waitresses and porn stars, women who had nothing at all to lose by sleeping with Tiger Woods, and who could only really benefit from the experience by either  making their actions public or at least threatening to.  I doubt that any of these women had aspirations of replacing the wifey, but you best believe that somewhere in their thought processes were some dollar signs. Tiger did you really think these women were getting with you because you’re just cool like that?

5. Cheating is never really worth it.

The most important lesson out of this whole fiasco is, while it might feel oh so right at the time…..maybe every single time….the bottom line is cheating is never worth the potential consequences once the feces hits the fan. And it always eventually hits the fan.  Now rumor has it that Tiger is talking about paying his wife 80 million to stay with him for 7 years (if so why seven years? that could be another blog post entirely). Not to mention the potential diseases he could have exposed himself, his wife and children to. And don’t let it come out that one (or more) of his skankubines is pregnant.  Tiger is really lucky that Elin’s weapon of choice was a golf club.

(Maybe a if I was getting paid to write this a 6th lesson here could have been about how  “What’s done in the dark always finds a way to come to the light”…but I don’t feel like writing another item and I like the number 5 better. Plus I got real work to do now.)