Trust in a Relationship


Can cause irreparable relationship damage if broken

CAUTION: Can cause irreparable relationship damage if broken

Trust is the foundation upon which every healthy relationship is (or should be) built. Therefore, if you are a person who is unable to trust other people  that would make you fundamentally flawed in your ability to engage in a healthy relationship.* I could write a disertation on how the trust issue effects every single aspect of a relationship but this is a blog so I’ll try to narrow it down. I’ll just talk about how one shows their mate that they trust them.

I think that peoples attitudes about showing trust in a relationship can be broken down into two basic camps. One camp is the people who feel like if you’re in a relationship you should have nothing to hide so everything in your life should be an open book. The other camp is the people who feel like if you have real trust you shouldn’t have to give out all of your passwords or keep an eye on your mates every move.

There are pros and cons to being in either of these two camps. On the one hand I see the point of the people who feel like if you have nothing to hide then why hide anything. Except their logic has a fatal flaw. This philosophy requires that you have a mate who is secure enough not to feel the need to analyze every detail of your personal life to get reassurance that you’re being faithful. This doesn’t work when you allow an insecure person unlimited access. Because inevitably they will they see things that they don’t understand, and they’ll start making unfounded accusations, then all heck breaks loose. This is because all of your actions are colored by their own insecurities and or their own lack of trustworthiness.

Then there are the people who feel like if you’re secure in your relationship you shouldn’t have to have access to your mates email, myspace, and facebook password to know that they aren’t being unfaithful. The fatal flaw with this of course would be the case where you are with an unfaithful mate. It’s much harder for you to find this out because your mate would have free reign in a realm that is inaccessible to you to potentially engage in all kinds of secret activities.

So basically it boils down to the fact that if one of more members of the relationship either has issues trusting other people or can’t be trusted it doesn’t matter which camp of thought you subscribe to. You’ve got problems. And they WILL show up eventually.

I personally subscribe to the second camp by the way. I don’t need to know all of my mates** passwords and I don’t think I should have to give out all of mine. I think people need some boundaries in relationships and respecting my privacy is one of my boundaries. Would I have anything to hide? No. Should I have to constantly prove this to my mate? No.

 I think it’s much easier to trust other people when you are a person who can be trusted. At the same time being trusting opens you up as prey to the untrustable. So, as with most things in life, a balance is necessary.

Now view the video below. I see a myriad of trust issues brewing in the relationship depicted. (This is a video of Joe Budden and his girlfriend in which he is going through her Myspace messages) I will try to reserve overall judgement, but based on my commentary above you can probably guess how I feel about his actions in the video.


* I might talk about this topic in a future post

** I’m currently single so when I speak of “my mate” it’s strictly hypothetical.

One Response to “Trust in a Relationship”

  1. Fallible Sage Says:

    Yeah, Joe was trippin.

    In my last relationship my ex asked for my passcode to my fb page pretty matter of factly, in a move to be completely transparent. Now, I was left with a dilemma. Do I not give it to her out of principle, simply because I didn’t agree with her outright asking me for my code, and as a result seeming like I was up to something when I wasn’t, or do I just give it to her and go against my beliefs?

    In the end I gave it to her because it wasn’t that big a deal to me, but not before I explained the issues I had with her asking me for it. I would happily yell from the shower “honey, can you sign onto my fb account and send my uncle a happy birthday shout, I don’t want to forget… my passcode is such and such”, or replace fb page with online account, that’s you organically attaining it, and that’s cool. But to outright ask for it while laying in bed one night didn’t sit well with me and placed me in an unfair position, and made you look like a possible jealous nutbag in the process. We should have had a conversation about how we practiced and felt about privacy concerns. Still, the relationship lasted only 7mos unfortunately and it was promptly changed. 🙂

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