Help me please

I’m struggling right now to find the nicest and most uplifting way possible to communicate to a guy that he hasn’t got a chance on this side of the universe of going out with me (and that his chances on the other side of the universe are even slimmer).

This would be really simple in a casual one-time meeting situation. I would simply say I’m not interested or possibly tell a little white fib and say I’ve got a boyfriend and keep it moving. I’m currently faced, however, with a situation where my normal sweet as pie responses followed by hasty getaways are not effective. There’s this guy who is apparently a friend of one of my neighbors who has been persistently trying to ask me out for several weeks now. He always catches me when I’m getting out of my car to go into my building (or today when I was walking home from the bus stop). I usually speak politely and try to keep it moving but I feel so rude walking away from someone when they get out of their car just to talk to me (which is exactly what he does). The previous times he caught me when I was trying to get my mail out of the box which gave him a full sixty seconds or more to try to grab my attention. I have already turned him down a couple of times but my turndowns were clearly not decisive enough and were usually uttered in haste as I tried to hurry up and escape into the safety of my condo. Today when he asked if he had a chance at going out with me, I replied in the most cheery yet apologetic tone I could muster “I don’t think so.” But unfortunately I think he might have detected a glimmer of hope in my tone. I also spit out some nonsense about just getting out of a relationship…which isn’t a lie. But I think that just gave him the impression that all he needed was more time. Then he asked me how many times he was going to have to ask me before I agreed to go out with him. He asked “Would it be a thousand? Because,” he said “I’m already up to at least three.” I just laughed and hurried off. As I closed the front door of my building he promised that he would see me tomorrow. And judging from his impecable timing at being outside when I arrive home he very likely will.

Now you might ask why am I giving this young man such a hard time? Well It’s hard to answer that question without sounding like a stuck up bougie snob. But I promise I’m not a snob and I don’t think I’m stuck up either… my level of bourgieness may be up for debate. But in most circles I’m pretty sure I would not register as bougie. Based on my visual assessments and the brief exchanges we’ve had I think I can, with a fair amount of confidence, surmise that he and I would not have much in common. Let me try to describe his appearance on the occasions I saw him. He is always dressed in dirty jeans and a dirty t-shirt because I always run into him right after he just got off his obviously blue collar job. Now I have no problem with a man putting in a hard day of honest work for honest pay. But I can safely say that most guys (NOT ALL) who work blue collar jobs have different ambitions than I do. But in this case it’s not the blue collar work that’s the problem. He had these disheveled twisty sprouts sticking out in every direction on his head that he stood there twisting the whole time he was talking to me. I am not a big fan of grown men with …let’s just call them “expressive” hair styles like this, and the way he stood there twisting the twisties while he was trying to talk to me was unnerving. Approximate appearance of his hair

The first time he spoke to me I noticed that he was smoking a cigarette. This is a definite deal breaker for me. I tried to overlook that flaw once in a past relationship and that was a huge mistake. I am the anti-smoking Nazi. That stance really doesn’t make for a pleasant relationship with a smoker. But the real clincher for me was when he used the word “conversate” while describing what a wonderful time we would have together. And he used it in his most earnest I’m trying to impress you voice. The EBP in me (thanks Stuff Educated Black People Like for the term) cringed at the utterance. That was the last nail in the coffin of this guys hopes of ever going out with me. Okay the last nail was actually when he told me his name was Chino. I’m not sure whether that’s a real name or a nickname but either way I can’t for the life of me picture myself dating a guy named Chino. (And I don’t care how bougie that makes me sound)

I try my best to be a nice girl and give people a fair chance. I really do. I tried not to judge him by his outward appearance. (Okay for real my initial assessment was that he had past charges for a domestic dispute, had been arrested at least twice for drug possession, had never been to college, had at least two children with whom he had minimal contact, and that he consumed copious amounts of weed in his spare time. But I felt really bad for pre-judging one of my black brethren this way. This is why I felt obligated to at least afford him the courtesy of a brief conversation before I dismissed him and ran away as fast as possible). What is a nice girl to do short of selling my condo and moving to PG county?

For now the hasty escapes are getting me through, but I will need to devise a more decisive method of turning him down for future exchanges since he has promised to keep trying. I don’t think telling him that I can’t date him because he looks like he strangled his last girlfriend will go over very well. So what in the world should I say?

11 Responses to “Help me please”

  1. Don’t even know why I am up this late let alone responding to your blog, but my brain all over the place lately.

    A brief thought to your issue and to the many of women who have a “suitor” on the trail, just politely tell the guy that you are not interested and that him only pressing you on the issue can eventually be taken as harrassment. No sense leading the guy into some false hope of anything happening than a “hi” and “bye” when you already made up in your mind that he does not interest you that way. You have a right to decide whom you take interest in, and you did give him a slight chance to redeem himself beyond his initial appearance. If too many flags are coming up for you, you might as well cut off the charade early and tell him its for the best ya’ll keep it moving. The Saltiness factor goes up a notch, but either the dude will respect your wishes and back the eff up, or he thinks you playing hard to get in which you will have to notify some folks in the complex or authorities that you are being unfairly harassed. No approach is fool or safe, but its 2008, the more folks play games, the more mess they create. You may feel bad about it at first, but at least you will make it clear on your end on how you feel about your new “friend”. Good luck Homes

  2. steve moses Says:

    Lmao! Give the young brother a chance! He just wants to have fun not walk down the aisle! And you have to appreciate his persistence, even if it is stalker like! The twists in his hair just gives you more to love about him, you can even braid it on hot summer days on the front steps while you drink forties and smoke weed. Don’t forget you can “conversate” with the young brother! It is nice to know the young man has a job, even if it is blue collar. I had a girlfriend once who didn’t respect the work I did, and never really took the time to find out my ambitions so you maybe are doing this young man a favor by rejecting him. A man should not be judged on the work he does, but does he work hard? All I can say is, the more you run, the more he will keep trying. And what in the world could anyone have in common with you? Lol!

  3. He is a stalker. Tell him no and to stop harassing you.
    Then talk to you neighbor and explain that you don’t mean to be…well mean but that you don’t like their friend harassing you.

  4. I guess a part of the problem is I don’t want to create any bad blood with someone who knows where I live. He’s very polite. Just very persistent. And when I told him I wasn’t interested he asked me why. How do you answer that honestly without being mean?

  5. You might want to pay attention to your surroundings and see if hes out there when you pull up and avoid him for awhile. Then on the occasion when he catches you make up excuses to roll “I got something in the oven” or “Im pregnant” or “my aunt is falling down the steps…” you just might have to show him your will power is stronger and wait it out.

  6. LMAO @ my aunt is falling down the steps….

  7. G Style Says:

    Stalker Dude = Animal = Lil Jon??

  8. I’m laughing (and shaking my head, saying to myself, this girl finds herself in the strangest situations) but at the same time concerned… seems like he catches you a ‘lil TOO often! I am with Bonna B… you might have to be on some covert surveillance (hidin’ in the bushes) stuff before you get to your front door to peep if he’s outside or around your condo premises.

    Have you thought about changing your schedule… when you leave and get home for work? A few minutes may make a difference…? You can also try switching up the times when you come home… Now that I’m thinking about it… you may want to do some stalking yourself, by checking to see what time he gets in, and learning his schedule… so you can avoid him better!

    ….The tactic he’s using is common among prison cats (I think I saw in a documentary about prison life), who try to wear (or break) a fellow inmate down by constantly being there with nice things to say, to get them to do things the other inmate doesn’t want to do… (*cough*… I’ll leave the rest to your imagination…). Not saying he’s a convict or nothing… just that you may have to make a preemptive strike and dead this mess before the method has the time to take effect!

  9. As I said last night , Let me kick his ass! I get angry and upset when I hear crap like that because it happened to me once when I first moved here…and I had a male roommate, a snake, and a consistent sword holder going in and out of my place….he didn’t care! So I had to stop being nice, polite, and smiling in his face. I had to be stern, short, mad, and uninterested….basicly, a “Bitch!” I know that’s not the “kenny way,” but what’s wrong with doing things differently sometimes to get the results that you want?!

  10. If you have the time go out with him one time. Can’t can even pick the place. You might like him…….he may turn you into a cigarette smoking Trick Daddy Dolla lover. After that first date..and first kiss….if you aint’ feeling him….start scratching a lot every time you see him. Everywhere….head, arms, wherever… And keep making comments like”Man…I’m BURNING….It ITCHES” Just constantly…scratching…all the time…. That should get rid of him

  11. Truely, I do appreciate the diagram of the universe. It made me LMAO… but the only approach for this situation is a decisively direct “NO I’m not interested…” and in the case of a subsequent encounter “…didn’t i tell you last time, HELL NO you don’t have a chance…” God forbid there happens to be further encroachment, then it is completely justifiable to step outside of your EBP and get down right gutter on him. As a courtesy reference your diagram of the universe and the analogy of the Muppet, this is essential for said offender’s efforts towards continuous improvement.

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